Of Lovers And Friends (fake chapter 1)

Becoming Jane - Awesome Movie

Pride and Prejudice is my fav movie, in the whole wide world... but Becoming Jane... is so much more realistic. Life and Love... don't really work in this life we live... not really. Too many obstacles too many... other things to worry about.

Life de la rollercoster

So, my obsession is getting better. I am not sure if it is actually curable, maybe if it was i would have found a way before this. Its odd, you know, everyone says hes ugly, most people, and we all know hes a jerk for what hes done. Yet... something in me (that i wish i could get rid of) still clings to his idea, his kiss, his touch, his smile.

I see him alot well, more than i would like. And i used to feel like we were friends but now its like we are nothing. A whole year invested into trying to get to know him, and its like it never happened. All there is now is superficially hi's and bye's, fake smiles, fake everything. I used to text him and emailed him once after the incident, but he would never reply. Maybe i am just sensitive, maybe it never went through, maybe he is just too busy? Then he had the nerve to send me a "Happy Valentines day" text... i need to get over this fast

I saw him with someone else and i didn't even know how to look up, i was feeling a mix of jealously, pain and happiness, cos i want him to be happy right? I am just a nut job, clearly. I wonder if anyone feels this way about me, i feel sorry for them, its really not worth it.

Since him, i have not been able to let anyone in, not like i really let him in... i need more time? more something, or perhaps i didn't need anything but just thought i did.. gah

There was Nathan who, well he a nice guy, but he seems like he wanted to only hook up with me. And i realized i didn't at all. So i guess that means i didn't like him?

Um, other people say i'm too cold, or seem uninterested and stop bothering

With Brandon, i think i am interested, right? I mean if i never heard from his again, it would be the same. I think pretending to feel something might help? Or would that just be leading him on? Its not like hes a saint, not like he doesn't have a hidden Agenda like everyone else

I have been sleeping too much, could that be a sign of depression? I am not even sure what i would be upset about.

But overall, I am fine, lol, still trying to figure stuff out, and i think i have progressed, even if it is a very tiny progression... its something right? I hope its enough, cos i am just... i dunno.

{{{{{and all images i put on my blog are done/made by be, unless i state otherwise}}}}}

Every day is a Bad hair day

I might have memory problems, or something. Maybe i just don't encode them well enough to retrieve them. Damn that short term memory, lol... yea i have been reading my psych book... kinda. I am surprised i aced the previous test. Well its not too surpising, i spent hours studying... i haven't spent that much time on anything for a long time.

Miss Whiney

I hate whining, cos i hate letting people know that i am sad, I want to cry, but... i hate crying so I'm not. I am just having one of those... weeks... It seems everything i do isn't good enough, and I try so hard... or maybe i just think I do. I am just tired of trying, maybe i am just not cut out for the art world, maybe i am just not strong enough to handle the pressure.

Sometimes I wish i could call someone to talk to... with out feeling like i am being whiny, but when i try to think of anyone, no one comes to mind, maybe thats why i am also so sad. There is no one to whine to... no one I wanna burden with me silly emotional problems.

There is a party tomorrow, "the Classic" some.. Indy event and i was excited about going, now I don;t even think i will, i would probably go there and just feel guilty that i am not studying or doing homework, i would probably just mope around.

I know this will pass, and i will get my work done, but i know.. that even if i get it done, it will never me enough for me. I am so greedy, i want it all... i want to be the best... but i should know by now that i can't be... i have the try harder, but the harder i try... it just shows that even when i try... its like i didn't try at all because the out come is the same.

So i am trying to distract my self awhile, b4 i do some more homework. Like reading comics... and looking at art... Cha... i wanna be a great artist, i can't let my emotions get the best of me, i know deep inside i am stronger than this. Sometimes i just need to remind myself... my priorities.

I also seem to running from my past... but its hard when in the present... you can't see a future...

New me at 18?

So... I am like finally 18... like 2, 3 weeks ago? lol. But since then its been rather sucky... or at least that is what i have told myself. But have also been good things, like, reconciling with friends i thought i had lost... well one of them. You see i was friends with K and , K because hes was funny and cool, we would just do nothing important, not talk about our 'feelings', just watch cool Youtube videos and everything was fine.

J was my girl, more mature, more experienced, i looked up to he, loved hearing about her exciting life. I told her stuff about boys and she gave me advice. Well then they met... then they started dating... then they became... JK... no longer one person, and i had nothing in common with this new being. An slowing i alienated my self from them... it...lol. They didn't understand why, i never bothered to explain, i suck at explaining my self.

Any who... K seems to be more like me in many ways more than our like for Youtube vids. So we had a lovely... emotional chat (eww, lol) so... i guess... that was really good. What else... i made a new 'friend' at first it was just cos he was extremely cute... i was bored cos i realized finally that i could never have Ginger... even though i wanted him so bad... haha... perhaps my relationship with my new friend M&M's was some sort of tantrum for my not getting what i want. I do it alot... after i get heart broken i go on a rampage of crazy things... that i should not be doing, but this was the worst.




I did the great deed with M&M's. At first i was like psh, its whatever... then after confusing to a few friends, i realized what i did, and began freaking out. But i think i have accepted it.

And for whatever is between me and M&M's... it feels similar to Pretty Gurl, omg... i hate having the feeling of Pretty Gurl's essence around me when i am with M&M's... its just too familiar... the situation. Meeting them both at Wolly World, Then both being excellent at 'stuff', Me getting all stupid and quiet around them in public... and other times not knowing what to say at all... cha... i am a mess. Funny thing, when I was with M&M's Pretty Gurl texted me... i am not texting him back... apparently according B-Bunny he is still being a Playa... with his baby gurl, and his T-girl.

I also am planning to get a hair cut... new style... something, i feel 18 shouldn't be like the last 17 years... its should be new... responsible... have temperance, lol, be edgy. Be the Merink that I couldn't be... because i was afraid. K will probably help me... stop fearing everything. I should fear only God and fear itself... and Oh yea... my mom wants to bond with me now, and get to know who i really am... ha ha like that gonna happen... wouldn't want her to dis-own me now that I need to the most. Well that's it 4 now, wow that felt great ^_^

Me first blog, how nifty

Hey, um, today... is a great day.... the tv is on, i am doing... well attempting to do h/w, my eyes are all itcy and scratchy... and dry. It raining like crazy... and i dunno of my windows are up all the way, and i am too lazy to check, lol. But yea... wonderful day ^_^